International Association for Counseling (IAC)
"Counseling in the New Millenium: Meeting the Challenges of Diversity and Promoting Peace and Social Inclusion"
4-7 May, 2000, School of Psychology, Aristotle University of Thessaloniki, Thessaloniki, Greece

EMOTIONAL ABUSE OF CHILDREN AFTER PARENTS' DIVORCE
- II year longitudinal study -
Branka Dadasovic, Social Work Center, Counseling Department, bull. Nikola Karev bb, Skopje, Macedonia
Miodrag Dadasovic, National and University Library "St. Kliment Ohridski", bull. Goce Delcev 6, Skopje, Macedonia

One of the families most stressful and traumatic "phenomenon" is couple divorce. Except crisis which partners are going through, during the divorce and after, children are most vulnerable family members. Fighting between themselves for the guardianship, meeting way and frequency parents neglects children's psyche. When parent's emotional relations are poor or discontinued, then that situation guides to (un) conscious taking of the attitude that the child is NOT OK.
Different age groups of 2-5; 6-8; 9-12 and 13-18 years old children, show a palette of specific emotional reactions.
Children in such situation are "splitted" between their parents, which leads to splitting their own loyalty between the parents, which could be very frightening and harmful for them.
When children from divorced families became parents, they are carrying their primary family behavior model which is been multigenerational transmitted in form of dysfunctional "functionality".

Divorce as family disintegrating traumatic situation, reflects on complete family life elements, concerning all family members. Partner divorce reflects mostly on children as most vulnerable family system members.

Partners which are in position of self-crisis often are placing their children in battle focus looking up for their guardianship or disabling other parent meeting their children. They are not aware of their children needs, in the same time emotionally neglecting their psyche.

Bi-directional and continuous emotion flow is necessary for having psychic life balance. Unbalanced life is a result of broken emotional exchange flow.

Poor family emotional relations result with many consequences. When child lives accompanied with feelings of unexeptance, when it internalize his parents conflicts or when parents tries to solve their unsolved emotional relations and conflicts through their children, then child makes a negative picture for himself which guides to decreasing of his self-respect feeling. That situation guides to (un) conscious taking of the attitude that its NOT OK, that parent's conflict is his merit. Such situation could cause child unstability, fear, aggressiveness or revolt.

Child emotional suffering on traumatic situations results with palette of emotional reactions. Those reactions are shown most often in the first two years after parent's separation and they could last longer if they are in symptom function.

Investigating the phenomenon in such families work with, especially in work with "the difficult divorces", different age child groups shows a palette of specific emotional reactions, which could be defined as:

  • On 2-5 years age :
    • Regressive behavior, enuresis nocturne, night fears, fear from the other parent, hyperkinetic behavior, emotionally inadequate reaction (crying, destruction, and aggressiveness), eat disorders etc. More specific sadness reaction as crying, sadness and need for the missing parent. First appearing of split loyalty. Reactions of anger directed to " divorce guild " parent, accompanied with different psychosomatic complains. Split loyalty is more accented, frustration reacting with social self-isolation tendency. Sadness and the anger are shown on more sophistic way, accusing parents for their abundance. Concerning loyalty, children are definitely loyal to the parent which have their guardianship and, in more specific situations, they make total relation cut-off with the other parent.
     
              Reaction manifestations decreases first two years after parents separation, but in cases of "difficult divorces ", parents treats this reactions as characteristically bad influence of other partner.

    This is usually used for presenting other partner "incompetence" on the court.

    We don't want to say that children are their parents "passive victims" involving them in different coalitions, alliances and psychopathology. However, children could be genius in family problem solving. From the systemic view, family and, especially child attitude, could be treated as functional contribution for prolonged process. In that case, child appears like "symptom" of the family integrity degree.

    Let see a few examples of this:
     
     

  • Child split loyalty.
    •  Child loses the basic security of family home by parent's divorce. Parents are continuously arguing. It feels that his mother could abandon him if it thought that it want to stay with his father or vice versa. Or, if it meets his father, that will hurt the mother, and then she could left him. Child feels like emotionally abused, filled with fear of refusing, showing symptomatic behavior as trying to demonstrate its loyalty to both parents for having their love.

    Often, this results with more active fight of parents for having child guardianship or to discontinue meetings with the other parent.

  • Child demonstrates " disordered behavior ".
    •  This is characteristic for " problematic " children. After father/mother meeting, child behavior is disordered, with sleep disturbances, nightmares, enuresis nocturne, aggressive behavior, affected habits, eating etc.

    In that case, mother states that father has bad influence on their child and she could ask for discontinuing of the meetings with his father. Father, from the other side, will state that the child is good when it's with him, and such behavior is result of his mother influence.

    In this situation, child has been placed in function of the "symptom", as attempt for his parents' reintegration. From the child point of view, his disordered behavior and his "symptom" could lead to connection of his parents around him, "dealing" and "treating" his problematic behavior.

    That could lead to family reintegration.

  • Child refuses to meet non-guardian parent.
    •  This is an example of discontinued other parent meeting because the child "don't want to go".

    This is happening when the child is in coalition with the guardian parent and he refuses every contact with the other parent. In such situation the child is not convicted, and is unstable, because of his parents' conflict. That's why child makes attempts to prove his loyalty to his guardian parent, identifying with his refusing of the other parent. Child feels that under the splitted loyalty, could be loyal only to its guardian parent, and no matter what the price would be, even loosing the other parent. We can say this on another way. Child feeling and behavior which is demonstrated to his father/mother is revert from its deeper believes, because it thinks that connection with his father/mother is such deep and strong that can resist this (temporarily) refusing while his unstability to its mother/father love leads him to such behavior.
     
     

  • Child manipulates its parents.
    •  Rebellious and critic adolescents' behavior to their parents could be expected. This is more complicated in parents divorcing situation, when the "symptom" could be more dominant. Adolescents could put their split loyalty in sociopathologic or psychopathologic function (home escaping, delinquency, promiscuity, wandering, alcoholism, drugs, anorexia, and depression or pre-psychotic episodes).

    Such children behavior is signs of their deep emotion suffering.

    Young child psyche could not stand this heavy "load" of their parents dysfunctional relations which accompanied with the emotional tension and reactions puts them in function of dysfunctional relations continuation.

    CONCLUSION INSTEAD

    Child loves his both parents and it's loyal to both. Often child is "splitted" between his parents. Situation demands to split their own loyalty between the parents. Possibility for been loyal to only one parent, could be frightening to their children.

    Child deserves to be free from their parent's conflicts. Child needs verbal and psychic allowance to love both of the parents, for been in permanent and stabile interaction and contact with his non-guardian parent.

    This could happen only in situation if the guardian parent gives him a clear message that continued relation with the other parent is needed, it's obligatory and is essential for him.

    Basic children emotional sufferings cause is connected with their parents "fight" about the guardianship or meetings the children. After divorce, parents' fights on their children guardianship, meetings, represents a fight for power, which could be very long or permanent.

    When a child becomes a battlefield for power balancing between the parents, then in such situations every family member became a loser.

    When such children became parents, they are carrying their primary family behavior model which is been multigenerational transmitted and acts like dysfunctional "functionality".
     
     

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